By Keesa Ocampo & Sydney Williams
Love is in the air and in this time when we’re either in (very) close quarters with our partners or isolated from our friends, we’re forced to evaluate the quality of our relationships. We find ourselves asking whether a relationship is worth our time and effort while we also endure the eye strain from our screens, the annihilation of any semblance of work-life balance, and the (fill in the blank) of everyday pandemic life.
If there are guides aplenty on steps to take to get thousands of friends on social media and more ways to connect with new platforms like Clubhouse, then why are millions of women around the world still saying they are dissatisfied and lonely? We want to know - how can relationships become more satisfying?
Although friendship does not have a roadmap, women like Shasta Nelson are certainly doing their part in helping us learn how to deepen the intimacy of our friendships so we can stop feeling so alone. “The truth is that few of us have ever been taught how to foster friendships and that’s resulting in nearly 75% of us feeling dissatisfied with our friendships,” she shares. “There is some amazing science that can help us build the bonds we crave!”
It seems to become increasingly difficult to make friends as adults, but deeper and more meaningful friendships are possible to nurture, whether it’s with casual acquaintances we already have or with people we know from work. Shasta dedicated her career to friendships and began formulating ways that they can be improved and made. “I had studied a lot of psychology and poured over any research I could find that might be helpful to all of us who were trying to make friends as adults.” The bestselling author recalls, “My first book Friendships Don’t Just Happen came out in 2013 to not only inspire people to pay attention to their relational health without shame, but to then know what steps could help them make new friends. A few years later, I wrote Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness because I saw that most of us aren’t lonely because we actually need to meet more people, but rather because we crave deeper friendships with a few. Most of us wish our relationships felt more meaningful but we don’t know how to make that happen! And my third book, The Business of Friendship just came out a few months ago, teaching us what research shows about why we need friends at work and how we can appropriately develop those relationships.”
So if there’s a way to get friendships to feel more real and satisfying, why are so many of us still lonely? Shasta explains that, “What’s important to know is that loneliness is just an emotion telling our body that we have an unmet need, much like hunger, thirst, or exhaustion. It’s not something to feel shame over at all. We all feel lonely when we need more love! The healthiest and happiest among us though will receive that message from our body telling us we are hungry for more support and love and will ask - What kind of connection will help nourish me right now?” So the answer is, it isn’t you. It isn’t them. It’s that we probably haven’t checked in to identify what’s missing.
The options are threefold and quite simple. Based on all the social science on what makes for good relationships, Shasta identified the 3 Relationship Requirements and teaches them on a triangle: Positivity + Consistency + Vulnerability. Depending on how much is practiced, a friendship has the capacity to ascend to different levels of intimacy. More importantly, if there’s a relationship that you feel isn’t working right now, chances are that at least one of those is missing.
The pandemic has done more than change our everyday fashion and the contents of our pantry. It has made isolation so much easier. It’s sometimes made the need to keep friendships pleasant more important than the need to keep them real. If you’re looking for something more meaningful than the “I hope all is well” text or email, Shasta advises to “...write on a post-it note the names of a handful of people who you wish you were closer to and identify which of the 3 requirements (more positive emotions, more consistent interactions, or more shared vulnerability) would leave you feeling better in that relationship. Then start trying to incrementally practice adding it! And, don’t be shy about reading a book to help guide you. Remember, none of us have been taught, and yet all of us have this as a human need— it’s worth studying and being intentional.”
For some, the physical distancing has left more opportunities to develop more frientimacy. Whether it’s the added consistency of more regular walks or Zooms or the added vulnerability to admit that we’re at wit’s end, we know one thing to be sure: Never have we ever needed more friends and a network of support than now.
No exception to the rule, the Seismic Sisters team has faced the need for more frientimacy as much as you. This is our homage to our friendships and ways that we’ve been deepening our friendships while staying six feet apart. For the month of love, we wish you more frientimacy.
Sydney & Shelby
Shelby and I met my first week after moving to Oahu, Hawaii. We spent five years hip to hip, going to school, bonding over great food, and feeling like children again playing in the sand. Since moving home to the Bay Area and not being able to return to the island easily to visit, Shelby and I have weekly facetime calls and send comical and encouraging messages to each other daily. Shelby makes me feel fulfilled and loved because no matter what we are going through, she is always there to support me. She is one of the most consistent parts of my life and I am very thankful for her friendship.
Kim & Uzuri
Our friendship was born out of love for community activism and hyper-local politics. Whether it’s running for office, running a campaign or starting a new organization, we boost each other’s ‘stretch’ projects. We stay connected through our work to uplift each other and our neighborhood and have fun doing it. #powerplayers #sheshowsup
Tumay & Libby
I met Libby at the age of 16 when I had just moved to America from Turkey. She took me in as her own family and now 20 years later she is still my soul sister. Even though we’ve lived in far away cities, gone down our own paths in life and sometimes didn’t speak for months, I’ve always felt her unconditional love for me. She's been able to overlook all the small things that don’t matter and love me for who I am. With her in my life, I’ll never feel truly lonely.
Photo by: Manjula Nadkarni
Ayesha & Keesa
We send love through food and found ways to find meaningful work together. But more importantly, we have regular honest catch ups, whether they're virtual or distanced. Being able to say - I'm not okay - and know that we can count on great advice, no judgment, and laughs, has proven that no pandemic can keep this friendship from blossoming!
Polina & Eva
My best friend Eva moved to Berlin a year and a half ago. I miss her dearly but am SO grateful for Whatsapp audio messages that allow me to feel deeply connected to her across different time zones and a vast ocean!
Sofia & Jacob
We’re finally in the same city after a long time but still can’t really hang out. We have impromptu FaceTime calls and chat endlessly about life, boys and work to stay in touch and up-to-date on recent happenings. It’s so nice having a friend to connect with so freely. We are lucky to have found one another in this crazy world.