By Karyn Buxman
Karyn Buxman, international speaker, successful author, and neurohumorist.
There is no woman in the world who doesn’t deal with formidable stress, myself included. Over a period of seven years, my 13-year-old son, Adam, developed a debilitating illness that was so mysterious, he was featured on the CBS news show 48 Hours. My oldest son, David, developed life-threatening cancer in his junior year of college. My mother (the coolest mom on the planet) was stricken with Alzheimer’s—her greatest fear in life. Meanwhile, I left a marriage of 25 years to a man who couldn’t deal with no longer being the center of our universe. As the years dragged on, I was convinced this was going to be the everlasting trend of my life’s story.
Suffice it to say the stress was so overwhelming that I found myself gaining weight, grinding my teeth and crying in the shower at night so I wouldn’t disturb anyone. Irritability, insomnia and depression crept into my daily life. And then finally I was struck by a blinding flash of the obvious -- If I didn’t take care of myself, I wouldn’t be able to care for my loved ones. So, I had to figure out how to deal with my stress.
I grew up in a small river-town, Hannibal Missouri, the boyhood home of Mark Twain. My dad was a doctor, my mother was a nurse, and it seemed only natural that I’d become a nurse, too. Over a dozen years I worked in the ER, the ICU and the OR. I eventually went back to school for my master’s degree and it was there that I began my research on the relationship between humor, health and communication. Thirty years later, I’ve traveled from Burbank to Bangkok and addressed audiences of less than 10 to greater than 10,000. While traveling the world is now temporarily on hold, I continue helping others through my books, online classes and group coaching. I know with every fiber of my being that humor used intentionally and consistently can help people live healthier, wealthier and happier lives. And, frankly, there’s never been a time when we’ve needed it more.
Stress. A Demand for Change.
I once saw a bumper sticker that defined stress as “The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it” (can you relate?). Researcher Hans Selye, also known as The Father of Stress, defined stress a bit more academically as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.”
The statistics of stress in today’s world are alarming, and the number of women reporting stress far outweighs their male counterparts. As a result, women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression according to the National Institute of Mental Health. A recent study from the University of Houston showed that one in three women reported feeling anxious almost everyday.
So what might this look like for you? How about a little muscle tension, a tight neck or shoulders, pain when you chew? Women under stress often experience something called temporal mandibular joint disease, or TMJ, from clenching and grinding their teeth at night, and most are unaware until they start experiencing joint pain or clicking in their jaw. I remember when my dentist asked me, during that stressful seven-year period, if I knew anyone who ground their teeth at night. I assured him I didn’t. And then he pointed at me and said, “You do.”
For many women excessive stress (distress) shows up through changes in sleep patterns. Perhaps you feel like pulling the covers over your head and setting your alarm clock for three months from now, or maybe instead you lie down and try to will yourself to sleep, only to go through the 5 Stages of Grief:
Denial: You find yourself staring at your clock telling yourself that 6 hours of sleep is doable.
Anger: Then you say to yourself, “Fine! I’ll get by with 5.”
Bargaining with God: “Please just give me 3 ½...”
Depression: “I’m doomed. Only 2 hours left to sleep.”
Acceptance: The alarm clock goes off and you tell yourself, “Fine. I’m fine. Really, I’m fine.”
Some women's stress manifests itself in their eating patterns, where they become so stressed that they lose all desire to eat. Still, others may have a fork poised in their hand, ready to jab at anything salty or sweet within reach and then swish it down with their favorite cocktail.
Maybe you’ve noticed your heart racing or even fluttering. Or have you seen an increase in your blood pressure? Have you ever found yourself holding your breath? Or perhaps it’s mood swings: one minute you’re fine and the next minute you’re sobbing uncontrollably over Steel Magnolias. In fact, stress can manifest in every system of your body. It shows up differently for each of us, but it does take its toll. Stress is shown to be a contributing factor in 60% of all diseases and illnesses, according to the American Medical Association.
You had the power all along, my dear.
“Enough!” you say. “Quit stressing me out!” Okay. Here’s good news: With the right variety of tools, you have the power to counteract the negative effects of stress. Perhaps you choose to embark on a meditation or mindfulness practice or maybe yoga, dance, music, prayer, essential oils, exercise. . . or kale. And of course, there is humor. Stress isn’t funny, but it may, in fact, be a laughing matter.
Let me say that even though I’m a neurohumorist, I will be the first to tell you that humor is not the be-all end-all. The truth is that any number of these practices will work if you do just that: practice them. I’ve found over decades of research that the key to the effectiveness of any and all of the above is 1) intentionality and 2) consistency.
In my TEDx, “How Humor Can Save the World,” I explain in more detail the effects of humor, particularly on the brain. But in a nutshell, for every negative effect of stress on your body, humor can provide the antithesis. Humor and laughter can decrease muscle tension (ever laughed so hard you had to lean over and hang on to something?). Laughter deepens respirations (you can’t hold your breath and laugh). Humor bolsters the immune system with an increase in white blood cells, immunoglobulins, T-cells and more. It also lowers cortisol, decreasing inflammation in the body (which exacerbates heart disease, diabetes, auto-immune disorders, cancer, Alzheimer’s and more). My friend and colleague Dr. Lee Berk said, “If we took what we know now about laughter and bottled it, it would require FDA approval.”
Psychologically, humor lowers anxiety and stress by changing the way we see our stressors. Remember Hans Selye? He said, “It’s not stress that kills us, it’s our reaction to it.” One of the superpowers of humor is to help us change our reaction by changing our perception. When we can laugh about what is causing us stress—whether that stressor is a person, a disease, a politician, a belief—whatever the stressor may be, humor gives us power; humor gives us hope; humor gives us victory.
Socially, humor can help you deal with feelings of isolation by decreasing resistance and strengthening your connections with others—even if they’re driving you a little crazy. When experiencing humor, the brain secretes a neurotransmitter, oxytocin, which is also known as the cuddle hormone. This helps you feel closer to the person you’re sharing humor with.
With great power comes great responsibility
The bad news is that knowing humor is helpful won’t be enough to change your world. The good news is that taking action on this knowledge will change your world. Below are some simple steps that will help turn things around.
See Funny. This involves changing your mindset from “There’s nothing funny happening in my life!” to “Humor is abundant—what am I missing?” The more you practice seeking humor in your day, the more your brain will reward you and help you discover what you’re looking for.
Stack the Deck. This involves manipulating your environment to increase the likelihood of experiencing humor. You can tap technology, apps, social media and streaming networks, spend more time with the people who bring joy when they enter the room—and less time with the ones who bring joy when they leave the room! Again, intentionality and consistency are key.
Become a student of humor. The field of applied humor is young compared to other fields in science and there is a surge of new information. The American Institute of Stress (AIS) just released a 6-part documentary called “Mismatched: Your Brain Under Stress” and they have an entire episode on stress and the power of humor. There are a number of organizations with information like the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor. You’ll find online programs, group coaching programs, books, articles and much more on my High Performance Humor site and the sites of other experts in this field. (Have I mentioned “Be intentional & Be consistent”?)
The Rest of the Story
During the 7 years of caring for sick children, a sick parent, and dealing with a divorce, I did a deep search inside myself looking for the answer to “how do I deal with all that I’ve been dealt?” I realized my life philosophy, to live amazed and amused.
I’m always keeping an eye out for those things that amuse me. And when I can’t find anything amusing, I search for that which is amazing. This philosophy has guided me through my youngest son’s illness, which has finally disappeared; my oldest son’s cancer, which is in full remission; my mother’s journey through Alzheimer’s, which she handled with humor and grace; and my journey in finding myself and eventually, my soulmate. I truly believe humor can change your story, too, because humor is power.